I Think I Love Me (so what am I so afraid of ?)

As you know, I have a thing about songs and films inspiring posts from time to time. Today is another example of that – this song (somewhat annoyingly) has been running through my head for two days. I knew on this morning’s walk that it was time to write about it.

(David Cassidy ‘I think I love You’ from YouTube).

Since January, I’ve been on what I call a ‘self-love-apalooza,’ which has involved delving into some extreme self-love and self-care rituals. As always, when faced with deep reflections of my own worth and what that means in the face of Love, it hasn’t been easy. The past few days have been extra hard, and hence the song.

‘I think I love you, so what am I so afraid of?’ asks David Cassidy (and The Partridge Family).

What AM I so afraid of? WHAT am I so afraid of? I wish I knew. I feel the Love, I feel the desire to connect with that Love, and yet, I resist.

I haven’t always been afraid.

I guess that’s the way with life, especially as we gain more experience through external circumstances which we take as pieces of our ‘reality.’ We hold on to memories of times we’ve been hurt or ways in which we’ve separated ourselves from Source in an attempt to find the Love we believe exists outside of us.

I look around, and see the ways in which people engage with life, so openly, so fully, and I realise I’ve been hiding pieces of myself from others, from the world, in order to remain safely behind the walls I’ve so carefully constructed.

It’s funny, because even in hiding, I’ve connected deeply with my guides and with people I’ve met, both in person and all over the world through the magic of the internet.

In many ways, I withdrew purposely, removing from my experience things that felt discordant – television, mainstream media, people who drained my energy, belief systems that no longer served. All of these things I let go of, and made space for people and things that resonated with my new understanding of who and what I was.

I walked away from 9-5 work and began offering guidance and information through my blog. I found myself withdrawing further and further from the life I had once thought was inevitable, living according to the reality defined by anyone other than me.

Lately though, everything has been telling me to return to the world, to be a part of the collective in a different way, and I think this is where the fear comes in.

It’s easy to love yourself in hiding, when you are one of the only people in the vicinity.

Love isIt’s much more difficult to love yourself when faced with thousands of reflections of potential in every moment. Can I remain centred in that Love when there are so many ways to not live up to perceived standards of beauty or success? Yes, and no.

When I delved into the depths eight years ago, I found Love there at the root. So much Love. I grasped it, lived it, and reflected it. I claimed my beauty and my divinity and my right to exist.

And then I gave it away. For ‘love.’

I think that’s what I’m so afraid of. I felt myself compromising pieces of me, making small shifts over time to accommodate the new normals. I felt my resolve to stay centred in Love gradually slipping away, as I clung to the external manifestation of ‘love.’

This shows me that I have deeper still to go, which is a beautiful gift. If I can let go of self-love so easily, it shows me that my grasp on it was tenuous to begin with. It reflects to me that whatever I let slip in exchange for the imitation of love that I accepted is what I was not fully owning.

‘Hey, I think I love you.
So what am I so afraid of?
I’m afraid that I’m not sure of
A love there is no cure for.’ *

A love there is no cure for – that’s the one. If I Love me, fully and completely, there is no cure, and there is no compromise.

Well, self-love is all about learning what’s right for me. It doesn’t mean I won’t be willing to meet people half way, it means I won’t be willing to deny my needs and desires to ‘hold onto’ Love. I don’t need to hold onto it because it’s not going anywhere.

I understand that when people are centred in that Love, they are shining out an energy that others want to ‘possess.’

I also understand that it cannot be possessed by another, that as soon as it is given away, it loses its potency, its vibrancy. It can only be found by each of us in ourselves and reflected out, and shared openly and unconditionally.

Find the Love for you, within you, and don’t let it go.

‘I think I love you.
Isn’t that what life is made of?’ *

Big Love,
~ Jenny

*Lyrics are from ‘I Think I Love You,’ written by Tony Romeo and performed by The Partridge Family feat. David Cassidy in 1970*

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